ENFORCED

HEMLOCK STREET HANDBOOK

Volume 4: Winter Protocol & Holiday Compliance

    FROM: Office of V. Frohmeyer

    TO: All Residents (Even the Kranks)

    DATE: Effective Immediately

    SUBJECT: FAILURE TO DECORATE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED

SECTION 1: THE FROSTY STATUTE

MANDATORY PLACEMENT Every household must possess one (1) Frosty the Snowman decoration. It must be placed on the roof, centering above the front door.
HEIGHT REQUIREMENT Frosty must be visible from the street. Minimum height: 6 feet. If your Frosty deflates, you have 1 hour to repair it.
UNIFORMITY We all bought the same Frosty. Do not try to be "creative." Creativity destroys property values.

SECTION 2: LIGHTING & ELECTRICAL

LUMENS PER SQUARE FOOT Your house should be visible from space. If your electric meter isn't spinning like a top, you aren't trying hard enough.
COLOR COORDINATION Multi-colored lights only. White lights are for weddings and sad people.

SECTION 3: THE "TOTAL BOYCOTT" CLAUSE

WARNING: READ CAREFULLY

"Skipping Christmas" is a violation of the social contract. Residents found booking cruises, tanning in December, or eating smoked trout will be subject to:

Relentless phone calls asking "Is everything okay?"
Carolers parked on your lawn 24/7.
A front-page article in the local newspaper shaming you.
My son Spike staring at you through the window.

I have read and understand these rules. I promise not to be a Luther.

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